While the world cries over Zayn’s shock exit from One Direction, Muslims knew this day was coming (inshaAllah) from the time their very first track was released. The clues were there, if only you knew where to look. I know, I know, maybe you’re not as familiar with 1D’s back catalogue as I and my fellow Zayn Malik fangirls. (For evidence of said fangirlery, please see below for an image of my 1D concert buddy in her 1D socks.) For the uninformed, I’ll lay it out for you here:
1.) He finally figured out that the song ‘Kiss You’ wasn’t referring to the private life of a married man and woman in the confines of their house and ran the other way in embarrassment.
2.) The song ‘Midnight Memories’ wasn’t about praying Tahajjud-the only thing any good Muslim would be creating memories of at midnight.
3.) He was bored because he already knew the answer to ‘Where Do Broken Hearts Go'(straight to the masjid, of course.)
4.) He noticed that the song ‘You and I’ had the lyrics ‘not even the Gods above can separate the two of us’. (Polytheism AND blasphemy combined, astaghs.)
5.) ‘What Makes You Beautiful’ didn’t have a single reference to hijab, niqab or burqa.
6.) The ‘Little Black Dress’ in question was just a bit too little for his liking. (Only floor-length abayas do it for Mr Malik.)
7.) ‘Steal My Girl’ just didn’t make any sense to him. Ain’t no need to steal anyone’s girl when you can have four wives of your very own waiting at home.
8.) The ‘One Thing’ in question was something other Allah.
9.) The dance to the ‘Best Song Ever’ wasn’t a dabke to the dulcet tunes of Sami Yusuf or Maher Zain.
10.) He didn’t want to ‘Live While We’re Young’, he wanted to ‘Give While We’re Young’. Zakat, that is.
This may be a sad day for many people, but for us Muslims, it’s a day of great celebration. Zayn, your creeping Sharia days may be over for now, but I have no doubt that your many talents will be put to good use, like single-handedly increasing attendance rates at your local masjid by about 5000%. Welcome home, brother.