When You’re Muslim and He’s Not (Yet)

*Note: I’m writing about this solely from a female perspective because the rules for Muslim men marrying non-Muslim women are different, but that’s a post for another day.

I was out the other night in the city and saw a curious sight. It was a young hijabi walking along with a guy, and the two of them were very, errrr, friendly. While this was unusual enough, it gets curiouser. I didn’t know the girl personally, but the Muslim grapevine extended far enough for me to know one thing: the guy with her wasn’t Muslim.

I don’t know why I was surprised. It’s not like I haven’t heard of this type of thing before or even seen it firsthand. In fact, when discussing this issue with a friend we came to the conclusion that it’s probably only going to become more common. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, the perception exists amongst Muslim girls that there aren’t enough Muslim guys to go around. For some girls, this means the prospect of ‘converting’ a non-Muslim guy becomes a sort of last resort. For others, it goes a lot deeper.

I’ve discussed this issue with several girls, some of whom have actually been in relationships with non-Muslim guys, and some of whom who think it’s not a bad idea. They say similar things. Muslim guys were too uptight, they said. Muslim guys tended to judge them based on external factors such as their looks and career choice while non-Muslim guys were more open-minded. Non-Muslim guys were more approachable and friendly. Muslim guys had too many issues.

I can understand where these girls were coming from. Many of them had had bad experiences with Muslim guys and so wrote them off as a whole. Some of them just weren’t getting any interest from within the Muslim community. They were considered to be too loud, too opinionated, too out there-the very things that the non-Muslim guys found attractive about them. For many, frustrations spilled over, so much so that they felt compelled towards looking outside of the community.

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For others, it was simply a matter of falling in love. Many of these girls were deeply observant Muslims and had never imagined building a life with anyone other than a fellow Muslim, but it just happened. They became friends with a guy at uni and bam, sparks flew. They met a guy at work and over time, they developed feelings for each other. For these girls, the fact that these guys weren’t Muslim meant they let their guard down a lot more easily; they never envisioned it would go any further than friendship.

As interesting as it is to hear the perspectives from the girls’ side, it’s even more interesting to consider what it’s like for a non-Muslim guy to fall in love with a Muslim woman. This is especially especially intriguing when the woman wears hijab. I always wonder how they’re able to look beyond the all-too-visible reminder of their love’s faith and how they grow to find her attractive. Obviously an attractive woman is an attractive woman, regardless of whether she wears hijab or not, but I’ve actually heard that some non-Muslim guys find hijabis particularly attractive, not in spite of their hijab, but because of it. (As a Social Inquiry student that sends off weird Orientalism radars in my head, but whatever tickles their fancy I guess.)

I’ve observed mixed outcomes for these relationships.  Many have gone sour due to the reluctance of the guy to convert. Converting to a religion isn’t a decision to be taken lightly, so it’s understandable that love doesn’t always conquer all in these cases. Other relationships have flourished and eventuated in marriage, but it’s not always happily ever after. It can be hard to have a partner who doesn’t necessarily share your enthusiasm for your faith; it becomes particularly difficult when you, the born Muslim, experience periods of low iman. At times like this, you’ll often need support to keep going, and you may find your partner unable or perhaps even unwilling to give it to you.

Personally, I’ve never been able to see a non-Muslim guy in that way. I’ve never been able to get past the fact that we don’t share the most important thing in my life, that our values are built on completely different foundations. They may be great people who I respect and get along well with on a day-to-day level, but I just couldn’t see myself building a life  with them. Besides, Muslimness is just attractive. It’s attractive when a guy is an observant Muslim. It’s attractive when he possesses a lot of Islamic knowledge and wants to keep learning more and more. (It’s very attractive when he’s not a complete freak either as he goes about these things.)

What do you think? Could you ever see yourself considering a non-Muslim guy?

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70 responses to “When You’re Muslim and He’s Not (Yet)

  1. I have a friend who converted to Islam many years ago when she met her husband at university. I think she and her husband are at the 20 year mark now and still going strong. Her family is very religious (Christian) too but they have managed to make it all work.

    • I know lots of instances like that too. If the families can develop respect for each other’s faiths, then that goes a long way!

  2. I’ve been reading your blog since February – I’ve learnt a lot. I’d be really interested in if you could do a post about what a Muslim marriage is like, or about divorce? And wedding traditions etc?

    • Thanks for reading, Sam! Glad you’ve been enjoying it. I have one coming up about weddings actually, so stay tuned for that. On marriage and divorce, I’ll be speaking about that from a social perspective too, and since I’m not married, I’ll keep the guest entries coming from people with some personal experience.

  3. I’ve fallen for a non-Muslim guy friend before. It happened exactly as you said it – I let down my guard because he wasn’t a ‘potential’ and shared a whole lot of thoughts with him. He had several characteristics that I found attractive and I felt like he had a great chance of converting, because he seemed interested in Islam (and he was open minded and honest). We have gotten so close that even when I tried to stay away from everything else and have blocked him many times (yes, we mostly talked online, as Muslims do :P), I began missing him terribly, caved, unblocked him to ask ‘How was your day?’, which led to hours of talking. But, now that you mention the ‘grapevine’, it makes me wonder how many people know my situation while I am unaware. I suppose it can be a good thing. I think I’ll think twice before catching up with him again.

    • Can you see a future with this person? I have known people who meet a non-Muslim person and it all works out well, but it can be a huge gamble as well. The safest option is probably to do as you’re doing and avoid contact with this person.

  4. Nope – I can’t see a future with him. But I don’t quite know how to tell him that I don’t want to be so casual with him any more. I think this is a problem that people face when they start to change their ways – keeping the balance between being assertive by letting the people around them know that its nothing personal, and sticking to their resolution of staying as ‘religious’ as they intend to be. I tried it so many times before (and then caved so many times) that I’ve given up trying to make other people aware of my changes. Which is why I’m finding that just avoiding him is the most natural way to drift away. (You can write a post about such struggles! :P)

    • Oh definitely! When you’ve always been a certain way it’s hard for others, both Muslim and non-Muslim, to adapt to the ‘new you’. There’s a lot of adjustment and awkward re-definition of boundaries. But iA it’s all for the best 🙂

  5. But as a Muslim, how do you express the way you feel or how do you even bring up the topic with a non Muslim guy? Seriously, how?!! Imagine letting him know and the feelings are not mutual…I would hate to think how awkward things would be! Especially if you wanted them to convert. Its something personally important to me but I would totally understand their reluctance to such an idea…its a big step. That is why I think such relationships are difficult to form- from start to end!!

    • You’d need to weigh up the pros and cons of the relationship and whether the person actually has any prospects of converting to Islam. Think carefully about the risks associated! You’re right, it’s a difficult position to be in. InshaAllah you come to the decision that’s best for you 🙂

  6. Jazakhallah khair for this post, I find it very interesting. My bad experiences with Muslim men has sort of wound me up in this situation. So many Muslim men are hung up on marrying someone within their culture or fitting certain characteristics. I am from a minority nationality and am quite outspoken and outdoorsy etc. I’ve been passed over because of my culture and have started to feel invisible. About a year ago I met this lovely man at the gym, who actually made me feel like I’m a person again. He noticed me, spoke to me, and cared about me hijab and all. We really do get along. He is about 10 years my senior, has his life together and is just an honest, genuinely good person. Before I would have said no way to a non Muslim man, now however, I’m very confused. May Allah guide him to Islam and make this experience easy on me (and for everyone else in this situation).

    • Wa iyyaki, that’s a tough one. Is there any chance of him converting? Does he have an interest in Islam? It’s important that he not only supports your commitment to your faith but develops his own. InshaAllah you come to an answer.

  7. As a non-Muslim who is in love with a Muslimah, I understand the pressure of culture, family and religion on the woman when she considers dating a non-Muslim. I don’t think it’s a big deal myself, because religion is meant to teach people how to live with one another and how to treat one another.

    To put restrictions on, or to have restrictions put on you, who you decide to pursue a relationship with based on a technicality like religion is silly to me, because we are all humans, and we should all treat each other with love, respect and kindness.

    I don’t think it is necessary for anyone to convert or for anyone to change who they are because they love someone and want to be with them. These social and religious pressures ruin relationships, marriages, friendships, and cause wars.

    Educated people can believe in whatever faith they wish to believe in and still pursues others of different faiths. It’s 2014, if our ways of thinking cannot evolve and if we can’t view everyone as equally worthy of being involved in relationships based on love as opposed to time-honored traditions of religion, cultural background etc…then all hope for humanity will soon be lost.

    • Thanks for your comment. What you have said is an example of a secularised world view, in which education, science and reason are seen to have moved us ‘beyond’ the realm of religion as a guiding force. However, if you accept a sacralised world view, everything in your life becomes imbued with this sense of the sacred. It’s like wearing a different pair of lenses. From this viewpoint, Islam is timeless and applies for the benefit of all people at all times. I understand that from a secular liberal viewpoint in which freedom of choice and individual liberty reigns supreme this may be difficult to understand, but if you accept that there is a God, love for Him becomes the guiding principle behind every action and as such, His commands become acts of service and love with innate wisdom, if we cannot comprehend it. We respect difference, but this does not change the sacralised nature of the institution of marriage. I hope that your relationship inspires you to look deeper into the faith and I recognise that respect is as good a starting point as any 🙂
      Thanks again for your comment!

      • “His commands” – Why do we need to be told what to do? Why can we not trust ourselves to make the decisions that are right for us? What does it say about us and what we are capable of when we choose to look not in ourselves, but to the specific directives of outside entities (religious text, leaders, etc) about how to live our lives?

  8. I am in love with a non- Muslim guy in my Uni. ( Please don’t judge) he is just amazing, caring, beautiful, and just everything a girl would want in a guy BUT he is not a MUSLIM :(. I remember when we first met last year to do a project together, I was so shy and scared to even say a word to him so I just used to e-mail him the work and avoid any face to face contact which by the way used to bother him a lot, he even asked if he did something wrong. Anyways we had to start meeting in the library because we had to work on presentations and obviously we had to practice together so we used to meet 3 times a week in the library for few hours, So that led to us spending time with each other. He used to ask me a lot questions like what is it like being a Muslim and what Islam meant to me and so on. At the time I thought I was being “nice” to him because he asked abut Islam but I never thought it would become so much more. T_T. So we spoke on and on for like months until one day he told me he wanted a new partner for the project, I felt kind of puzzled so I asked him why? he wouldn’t tell me so I just left it at that. We didn’t speak for about a week until suddenly one day after lecture he dragged me in to a corner and told me the reason why he didn’t want to work with me was because he was in love with me and he knew I was a Muslim and so I wouldn’t date him nor can I marry him. Of course I cried because I knew what he was saying was true, as days went pass I was missing him so much to the point when I saw him in lecture I would get teary. I stopped going to lectures and I decided I was going to watch the lectures online after they get uploaded, but my friend who is also a Muslim told me I have to learn to live without him so I decided to go. Since I didn’t go to lectures for a while when he saw me enter the lecture theatre he ran hugged me :’(. (the first time I ever hugged a guy although I didn’t hug him back) but that moment felt really good. I have to see him everyday now and I just don’t know what to do, I feel really guilty for loving him because I know not in a million years will my family allow me to marry a non-Muslim guy. I love my DEEN and I will do whatever it takes to make Allah happy even if it means letting go off him. However I don’t think I will ever marry someone else.

    • You will Inshallah.
      I’ll tell you a very nice story. Abu Salamah (Radiya Allahu Anh)’s wife was devastated after his death, she really loved him and believed that she can’t be with anyone else after him. Her saddness and agony by his death was noted, she was asked to say the following duaa ” Allahuma Ajrni fee moseebati wa akhlifni khairan minha” (O Allah, reward me for my affliction and replace it for me with that which is better) She then replied: and is there better than Abu Salama? However, She ended up marrying the prophet (pbuh). So don’t think there’s no one else for you. say this doa’a and hopefully you’ll meet someone better who happens to also be a Muslim

    • please sister e-mail me… asmahayan5@hotmail.com please! I want to talk to you. im not gonna lecture, I just want someone who understands what im going through! please message me!

    • please sister e-mail me… asmahayan5@hotmail.com please! I want to talk to you. im not gonna lecture, I just want someone who understands what im going through! please message me!

  9. I personally don’t think there’s anything wrong with attempting to revert a guy to Islam. You’ve mentioned that girl date the non-Muslim guys having that in mind, which means that in case they felt like that wasn’t a possibility they wouldn’t go through with it. I know a few girls who have dated and succeeded in reverting guys to Islam, and I envy them for being light to guide someone into Islam.

    • It depends on the person’s intent on converting-are they sincere, or are they doing it purely for the sake of getting married to X person? Of course, their intent could change over time, but it would be important to consider this before entering into anything.

  10. I am in love with a non-muslim guy. I have been in a relationship with him for the past 1 year and a half and I have grown to fall in love with him simply because he is a kind-hearted, open minded, non-controlling, loving person. He accepts me exactly for who I am (a muslim girl), and he even wakes up with me before sunrise during ramadan to help me fast and keep me company. I wouldn’t say I am a perfect muslim but I love my religion very much. At times I can get frustrated with some restrictions such as the muslim girl not being able to marry a muslim guy, but at the end of the day Allah always helps me and guides me when I pray to him and I love that. I have very strong iman and do everything I can to keep my connection strong with Allah. However, I cannot forget about the man I am in love with too. I am very torn as I love my religion and I love this person. It is true love, and its not passionate “temporary” love either, as this man understands me and supports me with everything and I can see myself being with him in the long run. He has admitted that converting to Islam would be difficult for him as he doesn’t want to do it for the wrong reasons and wants to find the faith himself rather than someone telling him to. He is also very independent and sees being “Athiest” as a sort of way to be independent from relying too much on a higher power. He said that he would let the children be muslim and respect everything me and my family wanted to do but he isn’t 100% sure if he will convert yet. Of course, we are still very young and the prospect of marriage is very far away (about 7 – 8 years away), but I still cannot help thinking about what to do. He makes me so happy and I know that I should stay faithful to my religion no matter what but I am in such a position where I don’t think I can be happy with anyone else. What do I do?

    • salam sister,
      i know exactly what your going through for i went through the same thing. it is difficult to even imagine how Allah feels about this, how your family and friends will feel. i didn’t know what to do and i would pray to Allah to revert him to the right path and be a good muslim. i’ve been with him for a year and he’s been a muslim for only 4 months now. he is not a perfect muslim but inshallah with the help of Allah he will get there. My advice to you is do what i did. i became a better muslim than i was before. read the quran, go to the masjid, and play quran in your house etc. show him what Islam is and he will see the change and peace in you. talk to him about Islam and if he doesn’t listen, voice your concern about how you feel about him being around and how haram it is to be with him. Tell him you’ll do anything for him except one thing: marry him without him being a muslim. Its very hard to be someone who’s different and i know how you feel. just set an example for him of what Islam is. if you need to talk to someone im here… asmahayan5@hotmail.com

      • Haram means shame in Arabic. To say that it is haram for a Muslim to date a non-Muslim is idiotic. I know many imams that believe that Islam should evolve with the times. To hold onto antiquated ideas of times past and to try to convert others to your way of thinking is a recipe for disaster rather than appreciating other human beings as simply human beings and not labels based on religious beliefs.

        Until people grow up and use their brains and hearts as opposed to following what someone who studies a book tells them how to live there will always be internal struggle. Imagine an imam with only high school education trying to counsel a physician on life, to me that is absurd.

        I respect all religions equally, but I respect the individuality of humans and the expression of self-thought more.

  11. i’m struggling with this as well. i feel like i’m restricting myself to men solely because they are muslim but not because i find them attractive or appealing. i can’t spend the rest of my life with someone i can’t see eye to eye with on issues other than religion. i also don’t think God intends us to be alone just because we haven’t found the right muslim man. muslim men tend to come with a lot of baggage. they tend to impose their views of religion, they have cultural expectations, they are really picky with their women – they have to be pretty and good around the house and perfect in every way and chaste even though they had their fun before marriage (i had a terrible experience with someone before and luckily broke it off before it was too late). it disgusts me. meanwhile, i can be with someone who actually respect me even though he might be of another faith who are not nearly as hypocritical. i rather be alone the rest of my life and practice my faith the way i see fit than be with a man simply because he is muslim. it just does not mean much to me anymore that he shares the same faith. i think being a decent person and partner is way more valued even in the eyes of God than being a Muslim but being a lame person otherwise.

  12. Subhanallah, Its amazing what you can find when Allah reaches out to you!

    This is the first time I am reading this blog and I am currently going through the worst break up I have ever experienced. I’m Muslim and just recently broke up with my now ex boyfriend who is a White non-Muslim. We are in love and were supposed to marry end of this year. He still wants to marry me but admitted to me that he’d only be converting to Islam to please me (I appreciated his honesty because I knew that it was very difficult for him to admit knowing what would happen to us).

    I know its not right to convert someone out of love, but I have already given myself to him physically thinking we were going to get married (unaware at the time that he didn’t care much for religion). This was of course very naive of me and I never thought that I would ever end up in a situation like this.

    He is now currently waiting on my response, whether we should continue with our engagement or if we should end it for good. I really love him but I cant marry someone who doesn’t embrace Islam wholeheartedly. At the same time I feel like I have to marry him to fix my past mistakes? I’ve never felt this miserable and disappointed before. There are days where I feel a deep resentment towards him, then are days where I resent myself… and then there are days when I have a resentment towards being Muslim.

    Sisters, I know its hard to find Muslim guys who are actually tolerant enough to want to marry and sometimes you’ll meet a non Musilm who might be the cutest thing you have ever met, but from my experience, rather be alone and happy and remember that this dunya is only temporary. Men aren’t everything.

    Rushy

  13. I am experiencing the opposite… I have not told her my feelings towards her… I have kept my love secret from her. my situation is complicated. we have a similar path both alienated, both have been divorced. I am not a Muslim but was born/raised Christian. I have hidden these feelings and rather terrified inside to share them, she told me about her past and how she wants to move on and marry again. I do not want to dishonor this woman or her family or cause any unnecessary suffering. Ironically… I can’t even ask my father… he is a pastor… (that’s right i am a PK kid) I had once followed in his footsteps… was studying to be a youth pastor but ended up leaving because I found many contradictions in my own beliefs and had to leave early… life moved on… Does anyone have any advice..

  14. Youth fall in love while exploring each other (talking/chatting privately, working together on a project, going out together).

    But let’s not forget a Hadith narrated by Thirmidi: when there is a non mahram man and woman, the third is Shaytan. This Hadith tells a lot, and the plot of Shaytan is tricky. Remember the case of Adam (aleihi Salam) and Hawa, how Shaytan slowly seduced them.

    Sisters, Allah subhana wa tagala, made it clear that getting closer (spiritually, emotionally, physically) with men that are non mahram or even haram is bad for you (the same for brothers). The only thing that we will get out of such relationships are harmed hearts.

    Allah’s solution for such problems: abstain from getting close to men and put your trust in Allah, as he already decided your future spouse. Make yourself busy with something else and try to have good muslimah friends, because even if you will not fear of Allah, you will fear of public opinion.

    Hope Allah will guide us on a right path and make us among believers. Ameen.

  15. Hi so I have a problem , I like this guy in uni a lot we sit beside each other in psychology and we didn’t start talking but after a couple lectures we did and it was on biology and I was asking for help. But after that class I couldn’t stop thinking about him and started liking him ever since . We text occasionally but just about homework . I don’t know what to do l feel as if i want to pursue a relationship ,but I love islam and i don’t want to do something that isn’t permissible either. Two of my friends are saying you should date him , but the other 2 that are my best friends know it not a good idea. Im really torn I don’t know what to do or what to think of . Please anybody can you me some advice. I really need it.

    • Think about it from a long-term perspective and weigh up the possible consequences before acting. Pray to Allah swt for guidance and know that there are many others in your position x

  16. Okay if i have any question can i email you guys please.

  17. It is delightfull to find a blog and site where it all doesnt add up to who is the biggest believer and who is the biggest infidel (youtube comment sections mostly!) on this matter!

    For two, or was it three?, years ago, there was this muslim girl who was madly in love with me. I mean fullblown love from her side. I didnt really love her back. I barely knew her. It intimidated me to be honest, because she was a muslim. it freaked me out more than it propably should. (but the thought of honor-killing was the first thing that popped up in my mind when she declared her blind love to me).
    I scorned her off, and she wouldnt take no for an answer (I still dont know why). Eventually i started to grow more fond of her, especially her stubborn nature. We talked alot, but I never did anything that would disrespect her. I have never met a more caring girl than she was. Honest, gentle at Heart, fiery when needed, she gave me a pure new look at muslim women, the hijab and I find u all to be the best women out there, youre so full of personal integrity, honesty, your Hearts warmth glow out of you in ways western women never can achieve! Youre just a pure delight!

    But… I ended it. I ended it because she started talking about islam and wanted me to convert (I felt also she didnt give me the time I needed to get it all to sink in), at that time i hadnt read the qaran (she wanted me too, very badly), I didnt want too. I felt she was forcing me into something. Something i was really scared of (due to the press always talking negatively on islam and letting terrorrist scumbags represent the masses). It freaked me out, alot. So I withdrew completely. I dont have anything to do with her anymore, never wrote back or anything. We have no contact to each other anymore.

    But a couple of months ago, something stirred in me. I suddenly wanted to know what was going on in the heads of ppl in the middle East, i felt an urge to learn what islam was. Boy was it an eye opener. It has many truths, but some antiquated Things too though. Ive never been much of an religious man, but reading the qaran shook me, it made me… believe in something, im still processing it all.

    I wish that I had the courage to read it, while she and I was starting out. but as the fiery girl she was, she moved too fast with her want for me to read and learn of islam. It scared me away from her. Practically making me run for the hills.

    But if you are in this situation, be gentle with him. steer him gently. Make him understand, and dont push him into it. He has to find the light himself, but you can help him, be the one who hold a candle in the dark for him 😉 (that would be what i would have needed). Show him, what you think islam is. Talk to him about youre favorite surahs, and what you think they represent to you and then ask him what he thinks of them. Perhaps even read the qaran to him (dont know if that is allowed??)

    As far as ive read, the qaran doesnt have a clear line for muslimah marrying kittabiyya? (spelled correctly?), and that it is more of a scholarly debate? But… (Without wanting to offend anyone) I think it is because the gentle muslim woman, can steer her love over to islams light, by showing, telling and talking it with him, slowly and over time encourage him to embrace islam.

    I hope all of you who have these problems finds your solutions and that it will bring you the best. And Again, im so glad to have found this, where it isnt sour old men who dictates what everyone should do.

    • I absolutely love this article! And my favorite part, like Patrick said is that the comments section isn’t full of negative and rude comments like 90% of other posts on Islam these days. (So awful & depressing how disrespectful people can be!)

      I am also in love with a non Muslim and going through this struggle. I’ve always been attracted to white guys, which made it easier for me growing up to stay single and avoid premarital relations. I saw all guys as just friends.. But I’m having this dilemma now. Just like the girls who have commented, I hate having to choose between my faith, which has always been such an important part of my life and affects the way I do almost everything and the way I think, and this great guy. I would never blatantly ask him to convert and I realize how difficult it is, being a Muslim today is extremely hard. There’s a lot of rules and it’s a lot of work! And not to mention all the crazy extremists who are constantly causing terror in the name of Islam and the anti-Islamic propaganda causing so much stress/tension/guilt. I find it amazing that some people are still able to see the beauty of this peaceful religion despite all that.
      Also according to the Quran there should be “no coercion in Islam”, so it would be wrong to put any pressure on anyone to concert.

      At the same time I realize how difficult it would be to be with someone who didn’t share the same faith, like when I go through phases of less Iman, I’d like a partner to help me keep me from straying too far off.

      I guess this is all a test from Allah. I pray he helps and guides us and that we all find peace in the end 🙂

      Thank you again for this great post!

    • I am quite surprised how i accidentally came across this blog, and happy that i did. Going through a similair experience between a man i love who was not from my religion, i can understand her earnest desire to convert you…where not in touch anymore, and its been a long time, but i still love him very much….he reacted a bit like you, like rihanna said maybe shes still waiting for you…i urge you please to try and find her and contact her, a love like that doesen’t just go away, even if theirs a great distance and no contacting…..i can also understand why she didnt go away, when you said no to her, i can understand her perspective, going through something similair, its like when you love a man very much, even if he tells you no, the thought of you being without him kills you, its the love that keeps you their, a hope that he might change his mind and love you and the thought of losing him is like losing life itself. i dont mean to interfere, but if i could help a girl who was in the same position as me id be happy to. we cant know for sure whether a person moves on or not, she sounded like she loved you alot, and perhaps she still does………i urge you to not lose something as precious as that, a true love. perhaps theirs a reason why Allah (swt) brought me to this blog….i am also glad that you got a chance to read the Qu’raan….i pray for your guidance and sucess…….please find her

      • Last i heard about her, she was actually promised to another one. Im not even going to go there and open up old wounds or anything. better to leave it at that there. I wasnt aware she was promised to someone else at that time though… so… just nooo. Still havent found any love though. And to tell u the truth, im at that point where i actually am strongly thinking about converting…

      • I wouldnt revert to find love. But muslim women are in my oppinion far better than the rest. Muslim men dont know how Lucky they are.

      • Aww thank you!

      • Youre welcome 🙂

  18. Rihanna ريحانة

    Mr.Patrick
    Go for her, and tell her how you think about Islam, that you are changed, she is probably waiting for you….

  19. Dear Tavi:
    Likewise. It is nice to find ppl WHO dont jump to conclusions and start to go youtube-comment-sections on this subject!
    I grant that it felt very awkward when she talked about it, that she wanted me to convert and all of that. Hence why I ran for the hills.
    I actually have en app on my phone that reads (or is it more singing) from the qaran and it follows it in a comfortable speed so that I can read from my qaran in Danish.
    I have read a friends qaran, it was in arabic and in western scripted arabic.
    I immedieatly started to “sing it”. It was so weird! Its hard to read it in a “normal” tone. And its so hard so “sing” the qaran in Danish. Our language isnt… meant for singing? as its very guttural!
    And may yours be the one where hunger, thirst and want is never going to occur!

    Dear Rihanna:
    I dont think she is waiting for me. She doesnt even live in the same part of the country anymore. Mind you it was like 3 years ago!

    Sorry for the late reply, as ive been sick and had alot of events going on. All the best to all of you!

    • Oh i am, thank you so much! Haha that is a funny coincidence then. But not surprising all together. Alot of danish converts are going like a hot knife in butter in the marrying department. Maybe there is just something about us danes 😀 but i wish you the best with your crush! Haha danish is after all the third hardest language to mastet.
      I will try to do that! I think it is good to have a favorite surah. Would be quite hard to have the entire lists of surahs as favorites i think.
      Have a great time!

  20. It’s so sad what we all going through. I will make dua for all the sisters in such difficult situations. May Allah make it easy for all of us inshaAllah

  21. I am currently in a 2 and half years relationship with someone that I really love and care for, he is non Muslim and asked me to marry him. I don’t know what to do, I have ask him that I can not marry him if he is a non Muslim, he is not willing to give up on us, he doesn’t have a belief. Things are becoming difficult for me, I have ask him to study about Islam, he has been doing some research, also I am arranging for him to go to the Masjid to meet with scholars, to help him gain a better understanding about Islam, hoping that Allah will open his eyes and his heart. Please make dua for him. I really love him and don’t know what to do, I can never give up my religion, if he won’t become a Muslim I will accept and want him to let go of me, I want this to come from him. That will make it easy for me to move on with my life, I can’t continue to waste his time, as I have already lead him on for such a long time and really this time, I am in a very difficult position and would like to set him free as I love him so very much and want only what’s best for him, especially for his future, if he won’t become a Muslim. I wouldn’t want anyone wasting my time, so I don’t want to waste his time. If he would convert to Islam we would get married tomorrow. How do I tell him and sort myself out, I have sleepless nights, and I want to start sleeping peacefully. Please make dua for us in the best interest for the both of us. InshaAllah

    • Hi aisha,

      I am in a similar position with a non Muslim too. My family is open to him converting I just don’t know how to ask him about it/talk to him about it properly. I feel that he will say no

  22. Pray for us inshaAllah

  23. And here I thought loving an irreligious “Muslim” was difficult… may Allah swt guide us all.

  24. This was a very interesting read, especially the comments. The whole issue is very complicated and it has more to it than all the above. At the end of the day, we are all humans who want to find that one person to love and be with.

  25. This is very nice, I have been going through something like this myself, I have met a non-Muslim guy in uni who had an interest in Islam already and when we talked more it encouraged him to convert and he did and he has been a Muslim for over a year now but this still did not change my family’s skepticism simply because of how he looks and that he is American, he has done everything right and proposed to my family and everything and everyone is simply stalling it because he isn’t Middle Eastern, I could easily say he is more interested and devoted to Islam than many born Muslims, and even though my brother is actually married to an American convert lady, they still insist it is a huge issue when it comes to women because it is “just not the same,” they simply keep trying to “drill” him to supposedly “know how he really is” and I think it’s simply unfair and he comes from a devout Catholic family which means he really had to overcome a lot to become a Muslim, I really don’t know what to do! I spoke to the sheikh in our community and he said that I’m old enough to make my own decisions with marriage and by his support and the muslims community’s support things can happen, but I would not want to hurt my parents and I want to please them but this is taking its toll on me as you could imagine. Jazaki Allah khair on this blog!

  26. Hi,
    I need some advice and I think this is the right place. Basically, I am friends with this guy who’s non muslim. And we always talk and stuff at uni and we really connect and we hang out and stuff. And then he asked me out on a date and I said yes and we went to watch a film and after that I told him we couldn’t be together because I was muslim. He looked so upset that ans he left. The next day I saw him and he kind of ignored me and then he messaged to say sorry for his rudeness and that he should have been politE.
    This guy is genuinely the nicest guy I have met and I have never been happier. He makes me feel so good and I only think about him all day but I don’t know what to do. Whether to go for it and see where it leads us because I see a potential because he respects me and my religion.
    But we are still at the start so talking about converting would be a big steP. So what should I do?

  27. I wanna apologise for my spelling in this post…
    I love a muslim girl and i am sikh…
    It is so hard and we havent even started to talk seriously yet.
    I love my perents and i tell my mom almost everything and she loves her but she doesnt want me to go through trouble in the future.
    When i am with her or thinking about her it seems all worth it. But one thing that i dont get is why do you need to convert. Iv seen people change there religon change there names but for what? They dont even follow the religon or use the name that is givin to them what is the dame point of following a fake fanticy if you love someone you love all of them so why would you want to change them. Would you not want the person to be true to u and him self or herself. By changing into somthing that you are not u are bieng fake and putting on a mask when the person u fell in love with is under the mask why should soceity decide how you should live your life and who u should live it with. I am not religious but i balive there is a higher bieng that created this world and the biengs in it and he did not create the world to keep us appart this isnt an experment for him to see how we would do if the whole world had a difrent religions in every cornor. He does not want us to fight on his name. People in this world have to get it through there head that this is one world we are on this earth togeather. Skiny, fat, black, white, muslim, hindu, sikh, buddist…… We are one created to be one and to live as one. I think what i have with my girlfriend is the best thing in the world but because of religion it is the worst thing both of us can ever do in our perents eyes. Now what did we do wrong ? Can anyone tell me why muslims are difrent from sikhs…. We bleed the same breath the same die the same. As cor heaven people wamt to go to heaven and worie about doing everything by the book to be able to qualify for a ticket to heaven well i like to think i am a good person and i treat people with recpect and allways try my best to be a better human bieng and it has given me a great life as for the after life what do we know about the after life. To be soo stuck in the future and to forget about the present is ridiculous. I hope i dont come across as a anti muslim or anti religious. I just want some answers to why somthing soo right has to be wrong… Please help.
    Thank you
    Harry

    • Harry religion is what guides you don’t take religion as a faith only it’s Ur guide of life the way u have a teacher at school …the same way religion is Ur guide for life and if you read it properly you will get all your answers .
      Islam teaches peace and love your wife /daughter /family members .

      You can’t help the society bcs we only wish that every other human could think alike and there was no burden of caste whteva. I pray that you get your love the way you want inshaAllah

  28. I have a situation that is difficult. I fell in love with a non-Muslim and at the time, I was not a practising Muslim myself. In all honesty, my thoughts and focus were not on Islam at all and I was moving further and further away from it. So him not being Muslim was not important to me at the time.

    As the years went by, I found myself slowly becoming more interested in Islam and have begun to find my faith again. I have always believed in Allah but it is now more at the forefront of my mind and I am slowly trying to practice again (something I hadn’t done since childhood). However, this meant that an Islamic marriage was becoming quite an important part of my life. My boyfriend also became interested in Islam and he has been to the mosque, read the Quran and has expressed that he ‘believes in Islam’ but is not ready to practise. As I am more in to my religion now, I want to marry so that our relationship is moving to a more legitimate phase.

    However, he is not ready to convert YET. He has said he will convert with time, but when he does, he wants to do it properly and with complete openness to him being dedicated. I believe this will happen but it will take time. However, I do not feel I have time anymore. We have already decided our children will be Muslim and the household will have Muslim values, he pushes me to pray and fast and read the Quran. He shares interesting Islamic lectures with me and he is trying to learn Arabic.

    My question is, with all of this, what do I do? Marriage is so important but the only thing to stop him from being a Muslim is his Shahada. If you ask him his religion, he will say ‘Muslim’. He is learning but he has to be ready to take the full commitment to Islam. There is a mosque willing to marry us but I am not sure whether Allah will accept these circumstances. I have changed over the years, as has he. With a situation like this, can a marriage be such a terrible thing? Islam is in his heart, and with time he will announce it in front of his witnesses. For now, I want to be a Muslim and wipe clean the shame that I feel that I carry around. I know most people will say that there is no going back, but you have to understand that I was in a completely different place in terms of who I was then, compared to who I am now.

  29. i have read everything en its absolutely breath catching. am in a dilemma en call you members to help me. l hav been with Aisha since 2012. she has showed me all that can be called love. like wise i have never loved anyone except her. l respect her religion en try to support grow better in her religion bt though l decided to leave my priesthood journey because of her, am not ready to convert to islam bt am ready to give her the condusive atmosphere a muslim lady needs to exercise her faith bt she told me shez wiling bt her father(shiek) wont allow unless i convert. i really love her whole heartedly en i was preparing for our marriege after her studies. what should i do to have her because without her, i rather go back to the major seminary. PLEASE HELP ME OUT

  30. members willing to help me out or share witi me
    my facebook account is prince ashlee dezy
    my email is nkuyegetetyasaabo@gmail.com

  31. As salamu alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakatuhu this has kind of hit a nerve with me 8 years ago i was roughly 17 my best friend in the world was a beautiful, head strong, intelligent muslim female after 3 years it was like a boufriend and girlfriend situation but with no benefits but each others company and 2 kisses over 4 years.

    She moved on to college we never thought it was going to go anywere but we kept in touch i couldnt help it tell you the truth missed her everyday but recently over the last year and abit ive found my truth faith trust and love for islam and have just completed my shahada and have embraced my new community.

    sometimes times you meet someone and they dont just give you love but a new world a new purpose and we plan to be together.

  32. I’m a 17 years old Muslim girl
    I fall in love with a non muslim
    For 1-2 years and i just love him like the first day
    I tried to forget him and He tried to forget me but finally we cant hold that
    We wants to marry hahaha coz a realtionship is not okay in islam or?
    And it was our secret
    He say many times i would be a muslim!
    He wants to get a muslim
    He want that I help him
    My parents do dont allowed this
    They said He can be a muslim we dont care u are dont allowed to love him
    This breaks my heart
    I cant stop loving him
    Sometimes I “must” tell lies to my parents
    Coz they would hate the truth..and them me..and then himself..
    What should I do?
    I hate it so much and searshing help since a few months
    Sorry for my bad english

  33. Salam everyone ,
    I am a Muslim girl and I am in a relationship with my boy since last 4 years now and i should say these years have been mashaAllah blessed with him. It wasn’t a love at first sight or anything like that we met through work and became good friends and started developing a good bond .For a year and so we use to just talk as friends and then me moving to other country it was more of phone conversation .then due to work only I was in his city for few months where I realized that I have developed a feeling for him and I was scared if he has the same feeling or not . Anyways then eventually he was the one who spoke about his feeling to me first but at that very moment I thought that we come from two diff culture and my family would never agree on this bcs I wasn’t looking for a time pass . He at that very moment left and we stopped talking to each other but I was feeling very strange and very low as If the best thing in life has been taken away . Due to work or so we got intouch again and I couldn’t see myself wout him and neither him . I did accept my feelings but I never said I love you to him as I wasn’t sure if he was true in his feelings too .i went back and use to be intouch thro phone .one day he told me to give an assurity that its not a fling for him as well,he flew across the ocean to meet me and since then we are with each other . He is a very Humble and a very gentle person . He has huge respect for elders and he loves me a lot . My parents got to know about us year back and since then they are after my life to get me married with a Muslim . When it all came open,that Time was horrible as my father was very upset and the whole family scenarios wasn’t good …for what I wasn’t feeling good too. We both use to argue a lot also those days and he told me that its better u keep them happy . My parents kept on looking for different online matrimonial website and hookers and one boy who was quite older to me but from a very good family for which my dad was Yes it’s fine . Thankfully my mum tried to convince him and backed off . I love my parents a lot and I am thankful to them that what all they have done for me no parent in this world would do. I have strong and love for Islam and I practice as well infant I have taken him inside the mosque with me also to pray . He on my birthday proposed me also that too we were in the flight and he got down on his knees mashaAllah( that feeling is so bfull- MashaAllah) I don’t know what to do how to convince my parents that he is a very good human being and he will accept Islam as well but my parents say that kafir will never become Muslim .I don’t blame them for anything but I don’t see myself with anyone else . Marriage is about love and understanding and more important u share urself with Ur husband . My parents have this fear of what society would say as I have sis’s only . It’s just a helpless situation bcs from one side the boy my parents are looking – he is more then perfect and he has all the qualities in him. When are out in a restaurant for a lunch or so – the ppl who are sitting next to him always compliment me for the kinda person he is ….mashaAllah .unfortunately my friends being all from western culture can’t understand much of this situation as for them it’s imp to fall in love with a human lol …I really want you all sisters here to make dua for us as my conscious say that I am not doing anything wrong as we all have been created by one Almighty and I want that Almighty Allah to find a way for us inshaAllah . I promise if all will go well I would personally invite you all ppl to our Nikah 🙂

  34. I have to say, most of the things I have read in both the journal and comments are genuinely respectable about dealing with someone you love…

    The pain of being truly in love with someone and having a segregational barrier set between each other is immense. I see the large majority of people here talking about how the only option is for the man to convert to Islam. Doesn’t this seem completely one sided? People have talked how it is not correct to sway someone into Islam but what other choice are you leaving them? If you have ever really loved someone, you know that leaving them just because they do not identify with your religion feels heartless and cruel. This is a completely reasonable feeling to have.

    Islam promotes love and respect above all else, but it seems to me that the love for Islam is put above the love for other human beings. Do you think Allah really wanted people to give away the love for one another so you could love him instead? By that logic the motivation to place Allah in the highest priority contradicts some teachings of motivation. If you reject a non-muslim you truly love because they are simply not muslim then are you not just placing your own ego/wellbeing ahead of love?

  35. Hello brothers and sisters,

    I just wanted to share my experience in which I have recently come across a Muslim girl who is by far the most beautiful creature I have ever layed my eyes on. I can still remember clearly the first day I ever meet her, we meet on a train and she just happen to sit in a section of the train in which there was an outlet. I had my charger and I can still remember aggressively running towards her so that no one steals the seat and it was than in which I layed my eyes upon her. From the moment I saw her I had butter flies and just fell head over heels for her immediately! There was just one thing she was a hijabi so I hesitated to sit next to her not knowing how she would react and at that moment she looked up at me and smiled and asked if I would like to sit next to her. For the entire train ride I couldn’t stop staring at her and she took notice but not a word was uttered between us even though I can tell we both felt connected somehow. Even though I’m Egyptian I was brought up under the Christian faith but at that moment I felt that my religion had no power for what I felt which was love at first sight. I thought about us growing old and having children and I couldn’t help but smile the entire time, but knowing soon the train ride will be over and we would both part ways made me feel sorrow. We both parted ways me hoping that someday I would hope to see her again made me feel a little better that day. I did ended up seeing her again one random day and we both locked eyes into each other and smiled for a brief moment but still this time I really didn’t have an exuse to sit next to her but still managed to find a seat facing her direction. Without a doubt there is chemistry between us but I fear that because I am Arab that she thinks I’m Muslim 😦 I would love to get you’re feed back my fellow Muslim sisters and brothers on what I should do. I can’t stop thinking about her I even dreamt about her I’ve never felt this way with another human being and its eating me up. Should I approach her and introduce myself the next time we see each other or should I just forget about her ? 😦

    • If you’re willing to convert for the lady, I say study Islam, see what you’re getting yourself into, and then go for it… in a Halal way. 🙂

    • They Call Me Pizza

      🙂 If you’re willing to convert for the lady, I say study Islam and know what you’re getting yourself into, then go for it… in a Halal way.

  36. As a muslim woman married to a non muslim man, I can tell you it is not as big an issue unless you make it one. I never asked him to convert and he has never asked me to either. The key thing is to respect each other and to talk. We have been happly martied for 14 years now.

  37. I have a crush on a Muslim girl at work and I still have one on my friend that I been known for over 20 yrs I find Muslim girl very attractive

  38. Salaam and Hello everyone.

    I’m so grateful to have stumbled across this article.
    I do consider myself as practising, I love my faith and God but at time I do wonder why it would be such an issue for a Muslim woman to marry a practising Christian or Jewish brother especially considering the scarcity of viable Muslim men.
    I’ve always found white European men attractive- English, Irish, Scottish etc etc. While studying and in my profession I haven’t been short of admirers from these backgrounds but, I’ve never indulged my time with these men though I did like them. However, until recently there has been a colleague of mine who has been sending very obvious hints that he likes me. I did not feel the same way at first however as time went on I’ve noticed his lovely character and kind heart and I’m growing to like him. He has never asked me out or for my number but, keeps a respectful distance. We haven’t spoken much about personal life and most of our conversations are polite and professional but I know he likes me because of the way he behaves around me. A few of my colleagues have noticed this too. He comes across as someone who is shy and my assumption is he would like me to make the first move. I would love to just talk to him about things that are beyond our professional life’s. He is a good listener so I know that he would be quite attaintive if we spoke about religion or god etc. I just don’t know how to start such conversations off…..Help?

  39. So glad I found this blog and happy to see that I am not the only one! Growing up in culture where one is part of a minority and always surrounded by non muslim men it is hard not to think about them as possible mates. I am quite a religious person, I wear hijab and practice islam, but I think I am not a conservative person at all and I feel disgusted by the standards muslim men expect from their prospective wives when equally themselves are barely living by them. To make it short like everyone in here there was no muslim guy who struck my fancy. And I do believe that a muslim women is allowed to marry a jewish or christian men. The thing is although we may believe that Allah has no issues with it, society has and your family most certainly will have and they wont take your reasoning.
    Are you ready to take the struggle? That is what I am asking myself right now because I am falling for this non muslim guy although I am praying to Allah to make me stronger every day (We are sharing the same office). I am not sure what he thinks about me, but I know he is shy and when we talk he tells me personal things about himself and I feel very happy that he is sharing them with me. The thing is I like him for his conduct and ethics and manners and he is just the most caring and sweetest person and every day I feel like that we have so many views which we share. I mean it is absolute rubbish to be all girly about this. But the feeling does not stop.
    I am trying to be indifferent towards him and tell myself that it is impossible. It worked in the past when I was starting to get interested in non muslim men. I knew that it was a no go area and I would do extra prayers and distract myself, but this time I have had very strong feelings for him right from the beginning. As a scientist I tell myself that it is just some chemicals in my brains and that I am probably ovulating when I am finding him the most attractive, but naturally it does not help much. Well I decided to let time work and see where it ends. I am just glad that everyone shared their stories in here. Made me feel much better about myself and I could never ask him to convert because he is all into Richard Dawkins and Nietzsche and I personally do believe that it would be wrong of me to expect it from him as I do respect him as an individual who made his own choice. Still I do pray for him. Can not be helped. 😀

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