A Muslim’s Guide to Surviving Heartbreak

*Disclaimer: Author’s identity has been kept anonymous.

Sometimes in life you meet someone who makes you smile from the inside out. A person who you may never want to imagine a life without. Someone who ticks all of your boxes, makes you happy, makes you think about what you would both name your children and whether they’d have the eyes of their father or the smile of their mother. It’s beautiful when it lasts. We humans were made to love. Love our families, friends and our soulmates when and if we happen to meet them. As easily as we may begin to have feelings for someone, circumstances can present obstacles. Each moment that follows can make the difference between whether this special person becomes a part of your life permanently or not.

Recently I was considering someone for marriage quite seriously. A person whom I was sure was the one for me. I had placed all my hopes into one basket and was ready to submit fully to the winds of love in order to make our feelings an Islamically sustainable reality-marriage. Things didn’t work out, and when we had to part ways it was a very deep cut. It felt like someone or something had died. A concept died. The idea of ‘us’ that we had imagined and dreamed left this world and ceased to exist anymore. It was therefore a matter of immense grief and sadness.

This is only natural, and feeling a sense of loss over someone who we care deeply for is a part of life we cannot always escape. People come into our path for a reason and we cannot delete them from the hard drives of our lives like we delete a file from our computer. It is a much more delicate process than that. The following tips I believe have helped me to come to terms with heart break in my life and move on.

1)      This is the decree of Allah.

Let this mantra be the answer to every time you question, “Why?!”. If you have consulted Allah during the process, then there is khayr (good) in all sequence of events. If you have reached out to God when you were in such a vulnerable place by praying to him, making istikhara (guidance prayer) and had the right intentions in pursuing someone, then you must know that God is on your side and He will never let you down.  There are a whole host of reasons why Allah may have taken this person away from you. It may be a way for you to have learned and gained life experience and wisdom. It may also have been saving you from a greater difficulty.  He may want you to turn to Him so that He may deliver something which is actually better for you as an answer to your prayers. Your duty is not to find the answers to why, your test is to accept His divine decree and in the depths of your grief respond with “Alhamdulilah”. Be sure that your sacrifices for the sake of God will never go unacknowledged. I came across this passage of the Qur’an during the sadness I was experiencing. It reminded me of trying to see the bigger picture,

“Allah amplifies and straitens the means of subsistence for whom He pleases; and they rejoice in this world’s life, and this world’s life is nothing compared with the hereafter but a temporary enjoyment”

(Ayah 26, Surah Al Rad)

2)      Let go of Hard Feelings

Just let all the animosity go. It’s all wasted energy, I promise. Be civil with each other and try to end things on good terms, it helps you both move on. (Unless the person was an abusive nutcase, then yes, be angry and report them to relevant authorities!)

It is the case that people will hurt you. They may have said or done a few stupid things, but holding onto hard feelings against them is not going to do anyone any favours, especially yourself. The easiest way to relieve yourself of the pain is to forgive the person for whatever ways they may have wronged you. Accept that, like you, they are also human, and susceptible to making mistakes. People often hurt others even if it was not their intention to do so. It sucks, but it could have easily been you doing the same thing if you were in a different situation.  It is wise for you to ask for forgiveness yourself, especially if this person has expressed their hurt to you. Sometimes it takes time to front up and do this, but when it comes out, it can really bring a sense of closure. Pray for good things for this person as often as you think of them.

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3)      Find space and time to heal

The hardest thing about heartbreak can be the sensation of being completely alone again. Loneliness is often something we are afraid of, but we only feel it because during the time that we have someone else in our life, we are conditioning ourselves to happiness or validation in the presence of their partnership. Un-condition yourself. Shift this paradigm and make it all about you again. Sometimes after we have given so much of our energy to someone else, and especially when that has gone under-appreciated, we really need to find ourselves again. We need to build back our self esteem within the seemingly intimidating world of singledom and brave the currents to re-establish our self confidence. This task can seem very difficult when we are often left swimming in an ocean of personal insecurities after heartbreak. These feelings are completely normal, but you must not let them overcome you and drown as the circumstances can be very harmful. Give yourself the time and space to heal and be easy on yourself. There will be difficult days and more easier days, times when you know you have to take things one day at a time.  Indulge in the activities you have always personally known and loved and just work on taking care of yourself better.

Don’t feel the need to jump into anything new without feeling completely ready, it’s not fair on yourself or any other parties involved. If you give time for yourself, it will put you in a safer place to open your heart to the right person at another time in your life, God willing.

Everybody’s journey is different, and you may think of a million different ways to deal with heartbreak but I think the best thing we can take out of these experiences are the kinder memories. All the people that have ever mattered to you in your life will shape you and impact you, ultimately adding to the person you are. People we have encountered in heart break are not just people you either marry or don’t marry. These people are souls in and of themselves, experiences, lessons and moments of mercy that Allah has placed in our lives, even if you can’t see it. Don’t try and eradicate them completely from your hearts, but understand and appreciate their place in the greater scheme of things. If marriage is what you want, know that that is a noble ambition, it is the Sunnah of the Prophet (s.a.w) and a means for you to draw closer to God should you have the correct intentions.

You may come across further trials in your search for the right person as it is not a necessarily smooth ride, nor is the journey of life in general. One day you are going to find the Man or Woman who raises you up and helps you place all your past experiences into perspective. Try your best to be the most healthy and strongest person you can be for them when you find them, so that you may also raise them up. And never forget to keep loving, even when the world turns upside down around us and love seems like it causes more pain then relief, there is the impenetrable love of The One who created both love and heart break. And He is The One who beautifully mends our hearts at the times when they were meant to be broken.

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79 responses to “A Muslim’s Guide to Surviving Heartbreak

  1. Reblogged this on Parindey Chahat Ki and commented:
    I think this goes for everyone when they deal with any sort of hardship really. I mean, we get hurt by alot of thing, and these are ways of channelling emotion into productive avenues, rather than just dwelling on the mere notion you’re hurt.

  2. This is so utterly relatable. I’ll take note of all of these. It’s been 4 months on, Insha’Allah, things will get better.

  3. Im going through the same thing :/ and have been for a while…:'( in’sha’Allah im going to use this article n my own blog cuz many sisters are also going thru some sort of heartbreak 😥 may Allah make is easy for them!!! 😦
    Feel free to check my blog out
    dearmuslimah.wordpress com

    With duas

  4. I have recently suffer from heartbreak,it is hard to thing of anything else. The pain is raw but i know Allah has a plan for me all In shaa Allah may we all find happiness in this life and a partner that will make our heart whole again.

  5. Reblogged this on Journey To Success and commented:
    A good read

  6. I just broke up…it hurts…

  7. Reading this post brought me to tears. I am currently going through a breakbreak of my own. It has only been two weeks, so the pain and confusion is still very raw and new.

    I am finding that what hurts the most are the unanswered questions. And as you said, the loneliness. I had every intention to marry this man who I believed was sincere and loyal. However, that was not the case.

    Thank you for this beautiful post, reading it has given me a sense of ease, knowing that I am not alone.

    • I’m so sad to hear that sis. Sometimes things don’t work out as we planned them to. Allah swt is the best of planners and whatever He wills for you is good for you. May He ease your pain.

  8. Heartbreak… Not break break*

  9. I’m glad to have come across this, Alhamdulilah. Sometimes, even if we know logically that Allah is in control, we give in to our emotions and feel this immense sadness in our hearts. I feel so sad because something I wanted so badly didn’t materialise and all I can do is blame myself. But at the same time, I am at war with my emotions, Allah is in control, we submit to Him in times of ease and in times of hardship, whether we understand or we don’t. And a most beautiful quote I found from imam Ghazali (rahimullah) is helping me through the days:
    “‘As I look back on my life, I realise that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good; I was actually being redirected to something better. You must convince your heart that whatever Allah has decreed is most appropriate and most beneficial to you.”
    May Allah heal all of us with broken hearts. Ameen

    • Don’t blame yourself, sis. Undoubtedly we all make mistakes, but the only thing to realise is that if something was meant to happen, it would have. Of course you’ll have moments where you feel down, but it’s important to channel those feelings towards connecting with Allah swt. May Allah swt ease your pain.

  10. I’m not sure if I agree with all the sentiments expressed here. I’ve never had any marriage prospects even though I’ve always wanted to be a wife and mother. Exception: at age 39 I met a kind good man — who was not Muslim. I had no choice but to give him up. He soon married and had a child. The pain of that loss, and the loneliness as I entered my 40s, was unbearable. Despite my ardent prayers, I am now 43 and cannot say with confidence that being alone, childless and soon to be parentless, is a wonderful result of heartbreak and loss. Don’t delude yourself into thinking something wonderful is waiting for you around the corner because I held that belief my entire adult life, praying and expecting it to happen, but the day I realized I was in menopause was the day I realized I was operating under an illusion all these years.

    • I’m so sad to hear that sis. Though it may be ‘too late’ to have a child, it is never too late to meet someone special. In any case, even if you don’t, you are still a whole person with a life and purpose independent of any other. May Allah swt keep you close to Him, ameen.

      • Yes I’m a whole person but my point is I’m allowed to be loved, and have a family of my own. But islam makes that very difficult — as a Muslim woman I had no options since dating was not allowed. Being a whole person yet alone with no family is not how we should live, even non Muslims think its strange that Muslim women don’t get married. I get all sorts of looks from co-workers, as they pursue relationships, settle down and have families, whereas I just work and maintain my so-called independence. This is where Islam has no answers.

    • This too will pass

    • Sister after hardships comes ease. God testd the ones He loves the most. Be patient and you will prosper. Good times are coming. Ameen

    • black_queen@aol.com

      i know what you are saying, you can contact me at black_queen@aol.com
      Aisha

    • I truly sympathise, I am currently experiencing the same fate and am at a loss on how to come to terms with it.
      The reason I came to this site was that my last partner was an Egyptian man. I thought he was my saviour, we had a marriage contract together and were trying for a baby, he was so happy at the prospect 🙂 we agreed that if we were successful we would have a full marriage. Our customs were quite different and we did have some misunderstandings, but I still loved him very much and he said he did me. I had to return to the UK for a few weeks, we spoke and talked about my return but one day he just never called me again. I tried for months to get an answer, to start with he said I hadn’t called him, his phone was broken, then his family was ill, etc, etc. He was adamant he’d not met anyone else. Never once did he say he didn’t want to be with me. He has told our mutual friends that he still has feelings for me and that he is confused. But he refuses to take my calls.
      As a Muslim can you shed any light on his behaviour. I really thought he was genuine!

  11. Heartbreak is painful when the person that you care for has left with you with emptiness. The pain doesn’t go away it a permanent mark that has been left.Every time I think of them it makes me cry. I have opened up to this person, but for them to turn around and tell me am not good enough for them hurts. I have asked myself why not me, what wrong with me. Cannot think of any logical reason,am left here with a broken heart from the person I thought cared for me and loved me. Make me wonder am I not good enough for anyone. I keep telling myself that Allah test those that Allah wants to elevate. But why is this pain so hard to bear?

    • First and foremost sister, I ask Allah to grant you patience and to make this pain a means of earning His pleasure and mercy. Secondly, from a sister who has gone through the same brand of pain, my heart and prayer goes out to you. This pain is, Subhan’Allah, a reminder of how hurtful and deceitful this dunya and the creation is, as soon as we allow it entry into our hearts. Sometimes sister, there are no reasons, no explanations for things that happen. It feels like we’ve been wronged, none of it makes sense. Our intellect will try to make sense of everything, but there will come a time when you realise you will never get the answers. When this happens, trust Allah, as you should have trusted from the start. While it is true that human beings have been given free will, Allah’s will far surmounts and supersedes any of His creation’s. Take comfort in the knowledge that Allah willed this for us, and it is for the best. Our minds may not be able to see past this fog of sadness and pain, but trust that He knows best. What we think is best for us may not be good for us, and He knows, while we know not.

      Seek Allah, sister 🙂 Only He can give you the peace you need. And only He can heal you heart.

      Love (for the sake of Allah),
      R.

    • all i can do is my Creator. My Lord. Allah. & make dua.

      I know exactly how u feel….except this person told me I’m “great” but someone else is Better.
      It hurts it really does so bad. But I Know Allah has a plan for me. Either a better guy. Or maybe this guy that i wanted would cheat on me or make me feel worse after marriage. So Allah is protecting me and He will give a better person. Allah is the best of friends. He gave us life. He gave us parents who fed us and hugged us or helped us. So Allah loves His slave, his creation more than His creation can love each other. Allah loves you more than your own mother (hadith) so as horrible as it hurts and bad as it feels. As hopeless as it may seem. BeithniLah In sha Allah. Everything will work out and be perfect soon. Ameen ameen ameen. Always make dua even when it’s hard. And have Tawakul Faith in Allah Al Wakil Al Qadr Al Mujeeb the turner of hearts Al Hadith Ar Rasheed Al Afoo Ar Rahman ArRaheem Al Wadood As Sami AlLatif Al Kareem Ar Rouf Al Mun’im Al Ilah Al Ahad Al Hayy Al Qayoum As Salaam. ArRabb laa ilaha illa howa. And peace and blessing on the noble Prophet Muhammed.

  12. I can really relate by what you have wrote. I’m suppose to get married next March until my ex fiancé called off everything. It’s been really painful and very hard. Although it’s a difficult time for me, Alhamdulillah it’s been getting me closer to Allah SWT. But at the same time i’m only human that is so weak. My fear is i’m not able to trust anyone ever again after this. The energy and the trust that you put into someone is too great it consumed me from the inside. I’m afraid i can’t trust any men again after what had happen. I can only cry and called to Allah to take my pain away. Being rejected are crushing my self esteem. I never wanted to get married because of bad experience on my parents marriage. When i met him it all changes but after what had happen, i don’t think i want to get married. Everything is too painful.

    • i am experiencing now what you are experiencing 😦 i am trying to handle everything in a positive way but it is more difficult since i am living alone here in middle east and i have no one to turn to.

  13. I wish this wasn’t anonymous so I can pray for whomever wrote this. Thank you for truly understanding heartbreak and being intelligent and compassionate enough to write about something more than “find someone new to get over the old.”

  14. I want to thank you so much for this post it helped relive some of my pain and the other sisters who shared their own experiences. I feel like some people don’t really understand the pain. I’m going through it now and the pain is so raw and at times unbearable. I was planning to marry the ‘love of my life’ but things took a sour turn when he left me without any explanation what so ever. He just cut contact with me. I truly loved this man and had pure intentions with him from the beginning. He had 2 kids already which i was aware of and i completely accepted and loved them like they were my own. I was searching for answers because I needed closure to move on. This man lives in a different country so as you can imagine it only made things harder. A month went by and still nothing from him until there was a day his sister called me to tell me to leave him and his family alone as he was already married. She told me to have some shame, I was in total shock and couldn’t respond to her I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest subhanAllah. I had no idea as he told me he was divorced. I don’t know how someone as a Muslim can behave in this way. I feel so low and depressed because I don’t understand what I’ve done to truly deserve such treatment. I try and speak to friends and family but I feel like no one understands. They keep assuring me that I’m 24 and that il move on but I feel like I’ve lost all hope. I’ve never spoken to another man before and I was taking to this one for almost 2 years. He always promised me marriage. I know it may sound pathetic but I’m scared I won’t able to move forward. I’m really confused atm and I just need the pain to go away.

    • Sis, this is a very tough situation to be in. It will take time-you won’t be able to just ‘move on’. The pain won’t disappear. It’s a long process, one which involves prayer, self-reflection and hope and trust in Allah swt. He will never take something away from you without giving you better, nor will He ever give you a test you cannot bear. Know this, and keep it close to your heart. May Allah swt ease your pain.

    • rsada016@uottawa.ca

      Dear sister, I am in the same situation as you are. Except he didn’t disappear or cut contact with me but cheated on me, broke my heart in millions pieces and decided that it was my fault because I could not bear his mistakes…… its extremely painful and hard to move on….its been 3 years I am suffering. I pray to God to forgive me. Sometimes when I go through alot of pain I beg Allah to make him feel the way I do. I am not sure if I am doing the wrong but it hurts…

  15. Going through a terrible messy situation. You say in your post that one should forgive but what if the other person had done something so terrible that forgiveness just doesn’t seem possible?!! I have been praying and praying. But everyday seems more tortured than the previous one. Is their some dua than I can recite?!!

  16. Thank you for your article! It touches my heart deeply because I have recently went through something similar case .About 3 years ago my husband left me and 2 of our kids for 3years to another woman. During this years of our separation I was so broken, so I finally went to a friend of mine who directed me to a spell caster Dr. Akim who helps me in reuniting my family and then i felt peace and felt whole love again. After the casting of the love spell, My Ex-husband offered me a job, to work at his His company. so I obeyed and went. After working together in 1 week we had come closer & starting dating and hanging out as a family with the kids again, Dr. Akim has restored our marriage in a way I have NEVER expected, but I’m truly Thankful!

    Contact Dr. Akim today on: uniquelovespellcenter@gmail.com
    Tel:+2348159645271
    Best Regards,
    Bradley Speck Jones

    • For whatever Dr Akim has done for you to get your husband back again doesn’t mean Allah swt can’t do that. Know that Allah has power over all thing and Allah can do it for you. Someone spell can work for you but do you know the source of that person spell for you? Do you know if Dr Akim spell comes from the Almighty Allah or perhaps Dr Akim uses some other sources of spell of unknown spirits. Have faith that Allah can do it for you, don’t change someone’s faith on here with Dr Akim spells, let’s all of us believe that with Allah swt all things are possible and Allah swt can make it for us to get our happiness restored. Please let’s put our trust in Allah first in all things and make dua which may help us. I don’t believe in spells cause Allah is more greater than anything on earth.

  17. May Allah swt bless you for this amazing article. No one understands pain and heartbreak, I really thought this guy was the one for me sister..I thought he was loyal and trustworthy turns out he was the opposite. We discussed marriage and stuff.. He even feels bad for what he did but I just can’t take him I’m so hurt. I’m leaving it to the almighty because in my heart I feel as if I deserve better so in sha Allah khair. Jazakallah sister

  18. It’s been 10 months but the pain and sadness are sometimes just as intense as they were in those early months. I just cannot seem to get over him. How do you get over the love of your life? How do you live with the fact that you will never be with the one person you love the most. I keep on praying to Allah to bring him back into my life and to make him into that good man I’m looking for. And maybe that’s not the right thing to pray for but I just cannot seem to let him go. It’s been 10 months of dealing with this over bearing sadness and pain and I just feel soo lost and at time devastated.

  19. This seems to be a wonderful article.It brought tears to my eyes.Im only twenty and I experienced a bitter heartbreak although ive never been in a relationship.Ive always maintained a distance from guys and never had male friends.When i started university a senior started liking me but he was not very open about it at first as I was too shy and its always a little hard for guys to approach me so it took him almost a year and in the last days he gave me quite open signals about his liking.Since he was older than me I felt he would not play with my feelings and he might be quite serious about me and might want to marry me since he has now graduated and has a prestigious job.I developed serious feelings for him and chose him over any other guy but it has been three months since he left and to date he didnot approach me or talk to me or anything.It looks like he disappeared.Im left with a lonely broken heart and shattered dreams.Its very hard to convince myself that love exists in this world

  20. Thank you! I’m a pretty young person and I was feeling confused until I found this. It really helped me 🙂

  21. Salaams, this is a very seep article and relateable. I’m currently extreme heartache as I was engaged to marry next year and he has only last week called things off. I cant help but blame, torture and punish myself over it. I cant help but wish I could turn back time and do things differently. Its really hard to accept that the one person you gave your heart, trust and confidence is capable of just walking away like it never existed. I constantly question why? It’snot a case where I recently met him sister, i’ve know this man for the most part of my life and i’m now 25. I trustedhim with my lifeand so dis my parents. I never thought he would actually call things off. I cant eat,sleep or think straight. I wake up crying and i fall asleep crying. After all these years and he no longer wants me anymore? Why? This constantly plays over and over again and the worse part is I’m hurting my parents because of the way I amfeeling. They cant bear it andneither can I. I know I’ll never stop loving him but does it ever get easier? Will be able to ever move on? I’m scaredsister I really am. I am in such a dark lonely place right now. I pray to Allah swt to make it easy fore but it just gets harder and harder. I cant facemy parents or snyone else i lock myself in my room with hope that it’ll just go away itself.

  22. Going through this exact same thing. I loved her for 5 whole years and were about to marry in a year or two but then she got a proposal from a friend of hers and started having second thoughts about me. Just yesterday when I asked her again why did she leave me after 5 years together, she told me she never loved me, love in her opinion is objective and not subjective thus she can get the same love from anyone else. We had all the intention to get married but in a single day she completely changed her mind about me. This is too cruel. It is easy to say that I should forgive her and end the relationship on a good note but when something like this happens, it becomes impossible to forgive them.

  23. I too am going through hardship I got divorced a few years ago after coming from an abusive relationship, my trust was broken n I felt worthless I’m 33 now. Last year I met a guy who told me drop your guard I will never hurt you…yesterday the man I loved the man who told me he loved me, the man I changed my religion for also, broke up with me for the reason that he is moving away in a few months…I have done everything for him..and this man cdnt even let his family know he was dating me..when they phoned him I was told make no noise…I accepted this as I thought it was the right thing. My family don’t understand as they are Christian and because I’ve been learning more and more about Islam have turned their backs on me…I feel such at a loss..I’m angry and hurting…I feel I’m not good enough and I will never meet someone who actually loves me truthfully…I feel sick and my heartache is so bad…I just feel at a loss and I’m praying to Almighty Allah but the hurt is so bad…

    • Carol your story has shocked and upset me so badly! he told you to drop his guard then did that? I am in a very similar situation i never believed i would ever go through such difficult times and a divorce was out with the question.. but it happened.

      You are not alone, we both and many like us we have allah. we Cannot lose faith ! the truth is we seek perfection and that will only be given to us in heaven. We should give our soul heart and love to the almighty. Then we will not feel as we are. easier said than done, i know. But we need to believe.

    • last year the guy i am seeing also asked me if i want to marry him, so i said yes then in one condition i have to change my religion to his,so i did, then now he told me we are done because he will study abroad and he doesn’t want a long distance relationship. that is what im going through now also i feel so alone

  24. Carol, sometimes people come into our lives for a reason, and leave for a good reason, Inshallah you will be very happy and find the true love of your life. This times are very hard, but once you come out of the tunnel you will be happier around someone that will trully love you Inshallah. We go through hard times to become wiser and stronger. This will pass be patient…

  25. salaam, would just like to say , i appreciate the efforts of whoever wrote this article. It is as if what i am thinking and how i am feeling has been poured out into this peice of writing. I am 22 years, and three difficult months into my marriage, even though i believed things couldnt get worse, my husband has revealed his true thinking and attitude and simply ‘does not want me anymore’ as i am not ‘the wife he wanted’. Hearing that from a man, who i gave my all to is the most difficult pain i have endured. I dont want to say too much but thought i should mention that perhaps many of you out there should be at slight more ease knowing that your heartbreak was at least at the mercy of being before marriage. We should all keep each other in our duas, it is the only weapon and hope we really have. jazakallah

  26. when emotional say ” Alhamdulliahi a’la kullihal”.. when u are angry say “a’uzubillahi mina syaitonirrojim”.. and make doa to Allah of whatever you want. i made doa to be with her, to make her my wife, . but Allah withold my doa, and instead make it easy for me to let her go. Just ask Allah whatever you really2 sincerely want, as long not something bad. if He granted your doa to be with him or her, probably u two really are belong together or your doa change the destiny. if not, insyaAllah, He will make it easy for you going through pain and help you to forget the person you make doa for until u no longer feel the need to make doa to be with him or her. If He do not give what u make doa for, it means He protect u from what you want and He will give u something better, He will give you something u need! either a better replacement or u will no longer suffer from the heart break! i try to forcefully forget her, delete her number, avoid her altogether, but nothing works until i sincerely asked Allah what i really2 wanted. He helped me sooth the pain.. and i am no longer missing her and in need of her instead i feel a great need of Allah and urge to make doa.

  27. I’m currently going through this heartache. It’s been a few months but it only gets harder and the loneliness continues to increase.

    It’s my own fault, I met a guy almost coming upto a year ago. I should have kept my distance as I knew a relatively small age gap but nonetheless an age gap on the wrong side of the gender would not allow anything to progress. I’m now left heartbroken, unable to speak to anyone about it as I’d never told anyone about it and just numb from the pain of the heart break. I smile through my day without anyone realising the anguish of my pain inside.

    I woke up yesterday morning and began to cry hysterically whilst laying in bed. I cried out loud praying to Allah swt as I could not bare the pain anymore. I can’t open my heart to others but my family are keen to find me a match. I’m running out of excuses CVs when my family bring them to me, they are completely oblivious and worried as I’m not getting any younger.

    I know I only have Allah to turn to but that doesn’t make it easier for me to deal with this pain.

    • You will get over it. It’s only been a few months. But why are you lonely? Your family is helping you meet someone else. Sister, do you know how many women would love it if their families were proactive? Mine weren’t, they didn’t care, and I’m all alone in my 40s, no kids, nothing.

      Focus on gratitude, and remorse for doing haraam. I’m not sure what the age gap had to do with it, but I guess the guy should have been up front with you from the beginning.

      Onwards and upwards.

  28. I appreciate what your saying sister but those are my emotions I can’t just snap out of it. The emptiness I feel are the variables of my circumstances which is conditioning me to feel the way I do. I don’t expect everyone to understand my emotions or my loneliness but as point 3 of this article states I need time and space. I find it more upsetting to think of being with anyone else when I’m trying to deal with this sense of loss. So you can understand why I might feel upset when my family bring potential others to me at this point in time, I just need the time to heal.

    The age gap is a cultural taboo, it’s silly and very un-islamic which is why this whole issue is even more hurtful but what can you do. I’m trying not to hold out any hard feeling personally against him but this doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

    I know all I can do is pray and ask for forgiveness which is what I’m doing but I still have to deal with my emotions, which can be more of a challenge on some days than others.

  29. I m also suffering not only with heartache but a lot of other stuff as I m so much sensitive n every lil thing kills me I say nothing but later I keep on thinking abt it …though I ignore at the moment but it hurts me whole night ..the killing of my ppl the way muslims r living the way they r humiliated makes me die coz of shame ..what hv we made ourself ..its like making fun of ISLAM …we hv lost our dignity n all that we had but I trust ALLAH(swt) n His mercy is even gReAter than my imagination n I hv firm belief that it will bring nothing byt good for me ONLY FOR THIS REASON I M ABLE TO HOLD MYSELF 🙂

    • You are so right but it’s easy said than done and applying this practically is so difficult, help 😦

  30. ah, Im finding it extremely hard at the moment :'(. I have turn to Allah and accepted it. I just find it difficult to sleep at night and eat what should I do? if theres anyone I can talk to, please let me know, its only been a day 😦

    • mahnoor you can speak to me too. i have been in this pain for a while now and i can tell you one thing for sure. Time is a healer! have tawaqil – trust in allah swt. this is a test.

  31. I ran across this article after another night of crying. Actually I was do I doing okay until I spoke with his mother tonight.
    After three years he left me February, just left, no explanation and now as last week he’s MARRIED. The why’s, the hurt, the pain, the loneliness and the betrayal is at times overwhelming.
    He has even managed to convince my family to be on his side!
    My faith and love of Allah is the ONLY thing that keeps me going. One thing I did learn: don’t pretend it doesn’t hurt. When I need to cry I allow myself to cry but for ONLY 15 minutes. Then I MAKE myself think or do something else.
    Allah sees our pain and there will come ease, Alhamdullilah!

  32. Manjoor, I am willing to talk to you sister.

  33. Brother in Islam

    Salaam,

    I Alhamdulillah have not come to this situation, nor do I ask, want to put or would want anyone going through this, but May Allah reward you abundantly, from such touching words, clearly done with sincerity, pain and tears. It’s really sad to know within the Ummah that sisters are suffering more than men, as our Nabi S.A.W could not stress enough regarding how our sisters should be treated, but unfortunatly in today’s society we struggle to realise.

    As I was reading through comments, and I admire strongly how you did not only target the sisters, but also for brothers, and how a few brothers have opened themself up to release their anxiety. May Allah make it easy for each and every one of you, grant you patience and ease through your difficulty.

    I strongly recommend the sister to publish more articles similar to this, as in today’s society not many people are willing to discuss. In order to grant knowledge to those who are looking to get married, who are married or those who have with great regret going through divorce.

    Wasalaam

  34. I just turned 30, alone for my birthday. Situation here, bouts of emotional distress and depression. I broke up with my ex, who gave me a bogus marriage, thats right. Said we were married two witnesses saw our emails agreeing for marriage. Well first day we met he pressured me to leave my 3 children and said its better for them so they can see me happy and move with me we will get lawyers for their father who took them away.And first day convince me for sex. Then took me to all his relatives houses and parents to have sex at their houses cus he didnt have a place of his own. He was lazy or hiding money somewhere because he bought his ex wife a huge house, when i come along, he nickle dimes me. He was actually sitting at home for 7 months not working.He made me work for a male friend at his restaurant. My ex also got me pregnant while he was not working. Promising me this normal life. Then it got really bad, he was mentally abusing me, thats why i called it quits. He would compare me to girls he talked on the internet all day with. He even introduced me to women he met in chatrooms telling me give them a job at my legal agency. I also had financial obligations to my car, believing his lies he says dont worry i will take care of it, my car gets repoed. Keep in mind he has no car. He tells me its your fault you owed money on it. He was very two faced. He would take pics of himself all day selfies, yet not work. He would talk to women online and say hes not a cheater. I finally had to have an early abortion before the 4 months came and the child receive its soul, otherwise i would be constantly abused by him mentally. He would also tell me horrible things about my body, when the women he chats with online are all photoshopped nonreal. I would have sadness about my kids all why he time, sometimes the father of my kids would make me upset, and he would tell me as im in tears, You deserve it. Well finally i go visist my kids, he doesnt mind i stayed at my ex husbands house to visit and im supposed to go home in like two weeks. He keeps postponing sending me adequate amount of money to get home, so afyer almost four months, of him mentally abusing me on the phone telling mei got what i deserved, i finally decided not to go back to him. Now, all my good prospects are out of site, he stole my computer for work, he deleted all my contacts but its ok that he still has three facebooks. Now, my old friends i cannot find because they dont use their real names on social media anymore. Im not sad over him, he was 45 i thought he was younger but he lied about that too, he also promised to care for me, he never did. I dodnt see the signs until months later that hes a cheater, a liar who prays five times a day, and a mental abuser of women. Ladies be careful, he also lies, says hes a prince in afghanistan, so yea i was dumb for even listening. I am telling you this not to vent, I want to protect you ladies and if you date online IM me so i can give you his name so you know if your being played or not. Im so happy i did not have his children! His family was also very rude.Funny thing, before i had cancer scare a year prior to this, i had my own house and brand new car, he had no place, his relatives have tiny one bedroom apartments. Im like, and your abusing me telling me im not good enuf? Lol and F.Y.I i also look very attractive. Lets just say before we met i had young 27 year old men didnt care i had three kids, and had good stable jobs. Point is, ladies, if your beautiful, if your smart, if you have no parents or relative support like i did, these men tell you they want to be married to scam to u. Dont rush and if the man rushes you, dont ever talk to him again. He will continue to scam other women. Matter of fact i think his family gave me dirty looks because he uses them to set his stage that he actually cares .Dont EVER marry a guy who takes selfies all day like this one! They are not true Muslim. Fake Religious men can teach you to pray, but if they cant even make you laugh, be a friend to you, or care without judging, they do not love you. THEY WILL CHEAT. Regardless who they hurt. Look im a single mom, have ex drama, and cancer issues, im beautiful inshape, and im still disregarded as trash because He knew im beautiful intelligent, and hard working. It intimidated him so he would bully me to make me feel insecure. Ladies, you need to screen him, just because he isa man in Islam, he cannot make rules for you he doesnt follow himself, such as deleting his dating accounts. Also, a man should never use your past against you or your kids. Do not lower or compromise your true self for a man who will not appreciate you. How i got over him so quicklt is I told myself He doesnt care, and he is chatting with other online people doing the same thing. When i realize this fact, i will never trust him or grieve him. There are millions ofmen in the world, find one who loves you for you. Feel free to IM me. Assalamu Alaikum sisters!

  35. I just turned 30, alone for my birthday. Situation here, bouts of emotional distress and depression. I broke up with my ex, who gave me a bogus marriage, thats right. Said we were married two witnesses saw our emails agreeing for marriage. Well first day we met he pressured me to leave my 3 children and said its better for them so they can see me happy and move with me we will get lawyers for their fther who took them away.And first day convince me for sex. Then took me to all his relatives houses and parents to have sex at their houses cus he didnt have a place of his own. He was lazy or hiding money somewhere because he bought his ex wife a huge house, when i come along, he nickle dimes me. He was actually sitting at home for 7 months not working.He made me work for a male friend at his restaurant. My ex also got me pregnant while he was not working. Promising me this normal life. Then it got really bad, he was mentally abusing me, thats why i called it quits. He would compare me to girls he talked on the internet all day with. He even introduced me to women he met in chatrooms telling me give them a job at my legal agency. I also had financial obligations to my car, believing his lies he says dont worry i will take care of it, my car gets repoed. Keep in mind he has no car. He tells me its your fault you owed money on it. He was very two faced. He would take pics of himself all day selfies, yet not work. He would talk to women online and say hes not a cheater. I finally had to have an early abortion before the 4 months came and the child receive its soul, otherwise i would be constantly abused by him mentally. He would also tell me horrible things about my body, when the women he chats with online are all photoshopped nonreal. I would have sadness about my kids all why he time, sometimes the father of my kids would make me upset, and he would tell me as im in tears, You deserve it. Well finally i go visist my kids, he doesnt mind i stayed at my ex husbands house to visit and im supposed to go home in like two weeks. He keeps postponing sending me adequate amount of money to get home, so afyer almost four months, of him mentally abusing me on the phone telling mei got what i deserved, i finally decided not to go back to him. Now, all my good prospects are out of site, he stole my computer for work, he deleted all my contacts but its ok that he still has three facebooks. Now, my old friends i cannot find because they dont use their real names on social media anymore. Im not sad over him, he was 45 i thought he was younger but he lied about that too, he also promised to care for me, he never did. I dodnt see the signs until months later that hes a cheater, a liar who prays five times a day, and a mental abuser of women. Ladies be careful, he also lies, says hes a prince in afghanistan, so yea i was dumb for even listening. I am telling you this not to vent, I want to protect you ladies and if you date online IM me so i can give you his name so you know if your being played or not. Im so happy i did not have his children! His family was also very rude.Funny thing, before i had cancer scare a year prior to this, i had my own house and brand new car, he had no place, his relatives have tiny one bedroom apartments. Im like, and your abusing me telling me im not good enuf? Lol and F.Y.I i also look very attractive. Lets just say before we met i had young 27 year old men didnt care i had three kids, and had good stable jobs. Point is, ladies, if your beautiful, if your smart, if you have no parents or relative support like i did, these men tell you they want to be married to scam to u. Dont rush and if the man rushes you, dont ever talk to him again. He will continue to scam other women. Matter of fact i think his family gave me dirty looks because he uses them to set his stage that he actually cares .Dont EVER marry a guy who takes selfies all day like this one! They are not true Muslim. Fake Religious men can teach you to pray, but if they cant even make you laugh, be a friend to you, or care without judging, they do not love you. THEY WILL CHEAT. Regardless who they hurt. Look im a single mom, have ex drama, and cancer issues, im beautiful inshape, and im still disregarded as trash because He knew im beautiful intelligent, and hard working. It intimidated him so he would bully me to make me feel insecure. Ladies, you need to screen him, just because he isa man in Islam, he cannot make rules for you he doesnt follow himself, such as deleting his dating accounts. Also, a man should never use your past against you or your kids. Do not lower or compromise your true self for a man who will not appreciate you. How i got over him so quicklt is I told myself He doesnt care, and he is chatting with other online people doing the same thing. When i realize this fact, i will never trust him or grieve him. There are millions ofmen in the world, find one who loves you for you. Feel free to IM me. Assalamu Alaikum sisters!

  36. I was divorced recently: I feel extremely hurt and heartbroken, unlike the others who have commented I see that am probably the only male comment to be found here, I think men often try and hide their grief pain but in reality and according to research it can be equally (if not more..) crushing and heartbreaking for the male spouses. In my situation my wife left me again and again, the reasons were so trivial and petty, I became so emotionally damaged and hurt, I d

    • may allah swt grant u peace and reward you for your patience . The
      only advice i can give you being probably one of the youngest commenting
      is that only cry and vent out to our creator. complaining or telling your
      feelings to others, will not help and nobody really cares or can help that
      much. I at first spoke to a lot of people, but i have now realised that only my god can help me . Try it and be as patient as you can be, we are all tested in this duniya, perhaps this is something you need to pass?tawaqil- trust allah swt.

      Asalamoalikum

  37. (To continue)
    So emotionally damaged that my life would be full of stress and anxiety, anyway here I am, (I didnt take her back the last time she left) and I feel guilty but I guess guilt is part of any seperation, I just hope I overcome these negative feelings, my work life, home life and social life has been heavily impacted, to detach from someome who I shared every aspect of my life with is so difficult, almost feels impossible, but I just hope that one day I can erase previous memories and build new ones with a new person who I can feel content with. I am still in my early years of life (twenties), may god grant everyone on this website happiness and peace. Ameen

  38. feeling like rejected…feeling like no more life left..how can allah do this to me.wen i prayed him n only him.wen i asked everything with him.i was keeping myself happy with,what i got.dan what i want.but still allah took her away and giving my girl to sombody else after being loved,cared..how to react to this..i donno..i m alone.i asked forgiveness with her,i couldnt make her mine.how bad i am.i couldnt keep my promise what i gave to her..i m nothing.wen i read yur article..onli did is cry.

  39. I also going through the same situation of heartbreak after ma fiance left mi. We r together in a relationship for five years but without informing me she accept another proposal from someone else but Alhamdhulillah am jst making dua to Allah to overcome all thiz pain am going through coz every minutes i jst think about what we share wit her in our relationship

  40. May Allah mek it easy for all of us coz am also going through da same situation bt Alhamdhulillah making alot of dua to Allah to overcome thiz pain

  41. Anonymous Ukhti

    This article is certainly a blessing in disguise. I too am suffering from heartbreak. I met a guy at university in my final year, who pursued me and showed strong interest. At this point in time, I was naive and felt like he was definitely the one for me. Three years later, being my best friend he decided to leave me or find ways to cut me from his life.

    I found out that he agreed to marry his cousin from Pakistan, a very modern girl (believe it or not). Alhamdulillah I am practising probably more than the guy, the guy actually told his mum about me and she also knew about us. However, his mum was not happy with his choice (I.e being me), thus leading him to change his mind about marrying me.

    It’s a shame because now he is married. Unfortunately, I saw his wedding pictures and as sad as he sounded when he left me etc.. He looks extremely happy with his new wife. After knowing him for over 3 years, being his best friend and always being there for him, he cut contact with me in beginning of September, 4 weeks later he is happily married in Pakistan.

    I am devastated, heartbroken, hurt… You name it. But to all the sisters out, if a guy really wants to marry you, he will fight for you, respect you and do things the right way (I.e islamically)- he won’t wait around or stall marriage. If two people love each other it is best for them to get married.

    Also sisters, remember not everyone who will cross your path is supposed to stay. Some people come into your life to serve a purpose, once that purpose is served they have to move on. Not because they don’t love you or don’t want you, it’s purely because Allah has written your name against someone and in shaAllah directing you towards amazing things.

    It’s really difficult dealing with heartbreak and I can’t agree more with this article. Sabr is so important and you need to have tawakkul and faith in Allah that he is doing what’s best for you.

    I hope to look back in a few months and be able to say that I’m content with my life 100%. In sha Allah. May Allah heal our hearts. Ameen

  42. black_queen@aol.com

    As a divorcee with 2 boys and in my 40s, I met an extremely intelligent, successful and amazing man. He was married and we became friends in strict ‘friends and no physical contact’ sense. after a few months we fell in love, and then I gathered my courage and asked him to make me his second wife so that we can have a halaal relation since we both wanted to be more than friends.
    he refused to marry me but offered to remain friends; and knowing how much i love him it proved very difficult to keep ‘no love’ clause as we tried to be friends after professing love for months.

    I broke up today in the morning, after fajar. – told him to leave me alone since we can not be friends – he agreed and said ALLAH HAFIZ….and I know will NEVER contact me. It hurts – pain is killing me…

    O ALLAH- I swear I love you more than Him… Grant me Peace, love, prosperity, sabr and heart-felt joy of finding a true mate who love you and me for this life and here-after. Amen

  43. I have a similar story to tell. I too, and heart broken. By the same man at least 3 times already. We met, married in 2009 and I couldn’t be happier. However, my happiness was short lived. My husband who is very unemployed took on another wife without my knowledge and njust came clean about it this past Sunday. He did say, that we was no longer with the second wife, that he was going to devote all his time to me and our marriage. Well this morning, he told me he wats a divorce. I’m hurt because I’ve done nothing but love him, pay the bills in the house, took care of his children, and I have none and he had two living at home when we got married. I do love him, however, I cannot allow him to continue to treat me like I don’t matter. I know he’s doing something islamically wrong in our marriage. But, I’m a new convert and am still learning. Please advise on how to proceed in the future and what can I read in the Quran to heal my hurt.

  44. Asalaam alaikum
    Thank you for this article.
    I thought I was only one going through heart break. I was with a guy for 4 years we planned to get married and everything weeks down the line we was planning everything and the time came to get nikkah done but he kept making excuses after excuses then he left the country and went back home he started acting weird and texted me saying I’m getting married soon then said I’m only joking it broke my heart into a million pieces and I haven’t heard from him since that day 😢
    I texted him a long paragraph telling him I’m leaving I can’t take him hurting me all the time I got no reply its been 2 weeks.
    I cry everyday I cry to allah I beg allah to bring him back to me while I read namaz I break down I can’t handle the pain its too much everyday I cry on top family don’t understand which makes it hard 😢 please sisters remember me in your duas may allah ease all of our heart pains 😢💔 I’m always here for anyone who wants to talk about their pain sometimes its better if you have someone who you can share your pain with. Ya allah help us all please

  45. I got turned down by a sister who has nebrr met me and given me the chance to meet me as she is in different city to where iam? Kinda hurt but wish all good for her! Whag do i say to her?

  46. Seems to me like there’s just too many bad guys out there.
    I was also in marriage talks with a guy until he told me his family wants him to marry an Arab (which I’m not, although we are both Muslim). 10 years of my life knowing him and secretly developing feelings for him: down the drain. I blame him of course and not his family because it was ultimately his decision. I haven’t forgiven him and I don’t think I’m able to wish him well because he handled the break up so poorly and he was mean (supposedly too hurt to even discuss matters with me), but I don’t wish ill on him either.
    I don’t know why he was brought into my life and why out of everyone I’ve met, he’s the one I fell in love with and who hurt me the most. Perhaps Allah wants to teach me not to get too attached to this life? I don’t know. But then I also know that no marriage is perfect and sometimes I wish I could have an imperfect marriage with him – just to have him in my life. But I know there’s a great wisdom behind my fate and InshAllah my heart will heal.

    May Allah help us all, Ameen.

  47. Amazing article, experiences shared and all the heartache………………….. inshaAllah may Allah make it easy on all of us AMEEN. in my own personal experiences , really all I can say : no one knows our condition better then ALLAH, HE is the one who puts us through those painful experiences and there are valid reasons behind that only Allah knows why, . Let these painful experiences bring us closer to our Lord………….All the best . Fie a maa niel laah. I leave you in the protection of Allah……….

  48. SubhanAllah,Nobody gave up Haram relationship for the sake of Allah from the comments ,if u choose to please the people by angering the Creator ,U’ll be betrayed by it and Allah will entrust you to them,,,,the true fact is if You please Allah He will please you more,If you trust Allah you will never be disappointed.

  49. Asalamualaikum
    Someone please talk to me i am not in the state of my mind i don’t know what i have to do now
    The relation was for 2 years and then he started to make excuses i am now left alone in pain and sorrow please tell me what to do

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